Daily Life

I wake up at 6 every morning and almost burst into tears because I’m Just. So. Tired. I wonder how much longer I can function at this level of tiredness and if it’s ever going to get better. I stumble around with my eyes half open getting K’s breakfast together, changing diapers, setting up a movie on tv, pumping, changing more diapers, all while K follows me around talking about anything and everything. I mumble mostly one-word answers while I try to wake up and wonder how she has so many thoughts this early. Is she even breathing in between words? This morning Belles also peed on 2 blankets and her harness, so that was a fun clean up. And then I make myself a coffee and I slowly start to feel like somewhat of a human again. And I take a deep breath and realize I can do this.

1 year ago today we found out we lost a pregnancy. It’s been on my mind a lot these past couple months as I’ve had constant reminders on my timehop of photos of my tummy, waiting for my soon-to-be baby bump, and of the newborn clothes I took out in anticipation of a new baby. Little did I know in the dark days that followed that in less than a year I would have a beautiful baby girl. It’s a very bizarre feeling to still feel sad about the loss.

It was unlikely the baby would be healthy or even viable.

It almost makes me feel guilty like it shouldn’t hurt anymore now that I have a new baby. The doctors said it looked like a blighted ovum and it was unlikely the baby would be healthy or even viable. If we hadn’t experienced that loss, we wouldn’t have Baby Isabelle. I sometimes wonder if the loss happened to spare us the grief of a sick or severely disabled child, or a stillborn, or because Isabelle was always what the universe had in store for us. So today, as I sit here bouncing a screaming Isabelle on my knee and as Katie “drives” her toy car all over my head while telling me over and over that the baby is crying, I remind myself that all this noise is because I am blessed with 2 beautiful and healthy girls, and for that I am so incredibly lucky.

Today was Katie’s first day of preschool!  Well, sort of.  The parents stayed while the kids got acquainted with the teacher and classroom.  The first official day is Thursday with no parents.  K seemed to have a really good time.  She liked playing with the toys and playing outside and she didn’t ask for her pacifier (sassy) once while we were there.  I think the structure will be good for her.

Getting ready for movies on the beach!

This evening we went to movies on the beach.  Waiting for the movie to start was rough.  We got there way too early and K had way too much time to kill.  She wanted to play in the sand, which I expected.  I brought her some sand toys and told her she could play off to the side with Mommy or Daddy, or she could sit on the blanket with us and have a snack or read or whatever.  She could NOT play in the sand in between the blankets on the beach though, because she tends to fling sand around (like intentionally.  Big flings.)  and I didn’t want her getting it all over everyone’s blankets.

This was a huge issue.  I kept having to pick her up and move her off to the side and every time within a few minutes she would come back and try to play in the sand between the blankets again.  And then she would have a giant tantrum and kick and scream when I moved her back.  Jason thinks she didn’t understand what I was asking of her.  I feel like she did, and just didn’t want to listen.  This is such a hard age…  They test the boundaries so frequently it’s hard to know when they really just don’t get something.  On one hand you don’t want to let them walk all over you, especially when it means all these strangers would end up with sandy blankets, but I also don’t want to be unfair to her.  Am I really asking too much?  I don’t know.  But I was relieved when the movie started.

K realizing the movie was “Secret Life of Pets”

Watching the actual movie made it all worth it.  As soon as K realized it was Secret Life of Pets, which is one of her favorite movies, her eyes lit up and she screamed out “PUPPIES!”  Why-oh-why did we pack up for an hour, leave 2 hours early to get a good seat, take a gamble on the behavior of a 2 year old and a 6 week old, and stay up several hours past all of our bedtimes? This was why. K was so excited to see some of her favorite characters on the big screen, to dance to the songs played in surround sound, to recite lines to one of her fave movies while playing in the sand. She probably said “Watched ‘Puppies’ on the beach” 30 times on the walk home.  And so we spend 5 hours on what should be a 90 minute movie.  Now to get some sleep.

Brought both girls to the beach this evening! It was Belles’ first time. I was trying to keep her awake for a few hours before “bedtime” in hopes that she’ll sleep better tonight. We’ll see… And K just really needed to get out. She seems more restless since Belles was born despite the fact that we’re spending way more time outside. I think it’s partly nervous energy as she’s trying to figure out her new role as a big sister and come to terms with the fact that our family is bigger now. So, we had a good time until K started throwing sand. I told her if she continued I would need to scoot the towel with Isabelle over, which is what ended up happening. So then I was at the beach sitting 4 feet away from my sand-throwing child which is kind of shitty like I’m not even playing with her but she wouldn’t stop throwing the sand and I didn’t want it to get in Isabelle’s eyes. Eventually we decided it was time to go.

She’s trying to figure out her new role as a big sister and come to terms with the fact that our family is bigger now.

Playing hide and seek with K

We started up the 60 stairs and I carried Belles and all our beach crap while K walked. A stranger saw me struggling to carry everything when we were about halfway up so he offered to help and scooped up K and carried her the rest of the way. Surprisingly she didn’t mind but her expression while he was carrying her was pretty funny. And when we got to the top, K had a surprising burst of energy and wanted to play tag and hide and seek at the bluff. So we did. And I feel like I redeemed myself for sitting away from her at the beach. She seemed happy to be running around and I think that when Isabelle is in the carrier, K counts it as alone time for us. Which we don’t get enough of these days. Now we’re back home and both sweaty and sandy and about to do a bath and get all cleaned up. And in 20 more minutes it’s K’s bedtime and Jason’s turn with Belles so I’ll be off the clock.

I did all my father’s day shopping online so I didn’t have to bring both girls to a store but we still needed to go get cards. So today we walked to rite aid and as soon as I got to the card aisle, Belles started crying. I picked her up under one arm like a football while I looked at cards with the other hand. Just as I chose a card, Katie took a dump. So now I’m trying to take her to the bathroom to change her with a still crying Belles under my arm. I’m pushing the stroller with my other arm and Katie is trailing behind us touching everything she passes and I’m yelling back for her to stop and we get close to the bathroom and I realize the double stroller isn’t going to fit through the door. I manage to herd Katie over to the register with Belles and the stroller, pay for my card, and head to the parking lot to change K standing up.

I’m pushing the stroller with my other arm and Katie is trailing behind us touching everything she passes and I’m yelling back for her to stop

At this point I can tell by how Belles is crying that she’s hungry so that takes priority over the diaper. So I start feeding Belles in the parking lot with one arm while trying to keep K close with the other, Belles is latching and unlatching and milk is getting everywhere and Katie is staring at me saying “Katie poop!” over and over. Yes, I know you pooped, you need to wait. Finally Belles is done eating and I set her down in the stroller but she starts crying again. Sorry Belles, now it’s your turn to wait. I start trying to change K standing up and she’s confused and keeps trying to lie down in the dirty parking lot. And now the poop is everywhere because K has been walking with her poop diaper for 15 minutes. I manage to get her cleaned up, we go back to the street and find a trash can for the diaper, and start heading home.

Belles is latching and unlatching and milk is getting everywhere and Katie is staring at me saying “Katie poop!” over and over.

K starts crying bc she’s out of goldfish. We get close to home and a dog darts across the road and starts running around in traffic. I get scared and start crying. We bump into Jason leaving the store and he sees all 3 of us crying. He got us some stuff for lunch and helped us unpack and get inside, I fed Belles again, put on a movie for K, and now it’s somewhat quiet and no one is crying.

What a day we’ve had today!  We decided to walk down to the arcade for a cheap afternoon of fun for K.  Tokens are pretty cheap and K spends half the time pushing buttons on random games so she doesn’t even need that many.  Plus she LOVES the carousel.  And bonus, we got in a good walk heading there (3+ miles).  After some fun at the arcade we went and got lunch.  We sat next to the band which was way louder than we expected but K loved it.  We kind of felt like assholes having a baby with us though. Probably should have brought ear protection.

Jason and K on the carousel

 We then had to walk another mile back to the main road, wait for the bus, fold up the double stroller, and lug everything and the girls onto the bus for the ride home

After lunch, we were looking forward to taking the water taxi home.  We did not know the dock at our pier is still damaged from a storm we had a few months back and is out of service so we had to get dropped off at the next stop, several miles from home.  We then had to walk another mile back to the main road, wait for the bus, fold up the double stroller, and lug everything and the girls onto the bus for the ride home (taking up 6 seats between us and the seats we had to fold up to make room for our stroller and car seat…)  The whole way back K couldn’t stop talking about how she went on both a boat and a bus today with no mention of the arcade.  Jason and I also had a great time enjoying the different scenery and chatting with each other while the kids were quiet because they were busy looking around too.  It’s been a while since we’ve had quiet conversation, and funny how much we all enjoyed ourselves as a result of something going wrong.  It really is all about the journey.