Self-care, amirite?

It’s the hot new buzzword that has somehow become synonymous with mani-pedis and facemasks as a way to put you on the path to health and wellness.

Something I’ve learned this year is that real self-care isn’t skipping cleaning your house to do a girls’ brunch.  The real self-care is the messy shit.  It’s making time to be alone with your thoughts at a time when you want to the least.  It’s eliminating toxic habits and relationships from your life.  It’s having an emotional meltdown that somehow helps you figure out a new path to becoming your best self.

The real self-care is the messy shit.

I’ve done a lot of work over the past year, and found some new habits that have really enhanced my well-being.  And I find myself thinking, I really wish I knew this in my 20s.  And so, I’m sharing those things here:

1)  Stop listening to what society says is healthy. 

Guess what? I hate kale. I think it tastes like dirt, and I’ll probably never make a habit of eating it.  I also refuse to replace noodles with some sort of vegetable noodles (Please stop telling me once you put the sauce on, spaghetti squash tastes the exact same as real noodles.  It doesn’t.) I also keep meaning to make time for yoga, but I just don’t like it that much. Maybe someday.

I’ve spent too much time worrying about what I *should* do

But for now, I have plenty of healthy habits that work for my life.  I love a huge spinach salad with feta and strawberries, I love jogging, and I make time to meditate as often as I can (I know, if I added in some stretches with the meditation, it would basically be yoga…  I might get there, I might not.) But the point is, I’ve spent too much time worrying about what I *should* do and then feeling guilty when I’m not doing those things. I’m perfectly capable of picking healthy habits that work for me and that I enjoy.

2) Wasting time is okay, as long as you’re aware that you’re doing it. 

Becoming aware of my time wasting has had such a positive impact on my life.  How do I determine what’s “a waste” and what isn’t? For me, wasting time is doing things that have no positive impact on my life and that I don’t feel good after doing.  This doesn’t mean setting aside time to read or watch TV or go on a walk. It means when I absentmindedly open facebook and scroll through my newsfeed for an hour, or when I open my web browser and see a news article that interests me and 30 minutes later I’m reading about a dispute between one of the Kardashians and their current love interest. 

Am I okay with wasting this time? Is it keeping me from anything I should be doing instead?

I’m not saying I never do these things anymore, but I try to be aware that I’m doing them. “Am I okay with wasting this time? Is it keeping me from anything I should be doing instead? Am I going to be mad at myself when this period of free time is over and I didn’t do anything that makes me feel good?” Sometimes it’s worth it, sometimes it’s not.  But being aware has been helpful for me to make conscious choices. 

3) Decide what HAS to get done and what can wait. 

I used to have a bad habit of creating a never ending to-do list every morning.  I would start writing down tasks for the day like work deadlines and any appointments I had to go to, and all of a sudden I was adding things like “go through the kids’ clothes” and “organize the closets.”  Clearly these tasks are not getting done today.

I realized that actually MOST of my to-do list wasn’t even necessary.

I realized that actually MOST of my to-do list wasn’t even necessary. Yes, I do have a handful of things I need to do each day, and I try to add in a couple small extra tasks to work on if I have time.  If I don’t have time, or I’m absolutely tapped out and need to take 20 minutes to go on a walk instead, I put those tasks on another day’s list when I have less going on.

4) Taking breaks makes you more productive.

  This used to be my biggest productivity block. I would get so frantic trying to get everything done that I was skipping meals, skipping workouts, and just never taking breaks or time for myself.  I felt cranky and burned out all the time. I thought I was too busy, and I felt guilty to leave this massive workload undone while going on a walk or taking 20 minutes to eat lunch. But taking those breaks has enabled me to do twice as much work in the same amount of time. 

I was skipping meals, skipping workouts, and just never taking breaks or time for myself.

You know the analogies “put on your oxygen mask first” or you can’t pour from an empty cup?” I know, I used to roll my eyes at them too. And now I’m learning how true it is, and wishing I had listened sooner.

5) Stop beating yourself up when things don’t get done. 

Sometimes there just isn’t enough time. Even after setting a reasonable to-do list and taking breaks and doing everything “right.”  It happens. In this case, I need to regroup, figure out why I didn’t get things done, and try better next time. Maybe I overextended myself, maybe something came up.  Whatever it is, I can learn from it, but life will go on.

6) When you feel like you’re at your worst, things can only go up.

This is a hard one, and no one believes it when they feel like they’re at rock bottom.  (I also don’t suggest telling people this while they’re struggling because it doesn’t help and kind of makes you look like a jerk.) For me, I’m fortunate that I’ve never had a true rock bottom, but I’ve had sadness like we all have.  Most of my problems have been pretty light compared to the suffering that some others have gone through. Nonetheless, I’ve had times in my life that I felt like my world was crashing down. When I drove out to California from Michigan, my uhaul trailer was stolen and I lost everything I owned.  I was devastated at the time, but now I look at all the material goods I have managed to acquire since then. I have everything I need in life, and nothing is truly irreplaceable.

I have everything I need in life, and nothing is truly irreplaceable.

Several years later, I learned what real pain was when I lost a pregnancy. I felt so silly looking back and thinking about how worried I was about my stuff, when there I was with too much stuff and all I wanted was the baby that I lost.  Again, looking back, if I hadn’t lost that pregnancy, I wouldn’t have Isabelle. It’s not always clear at the time if things will get better, but they will. Some struggles will make you look at previous struggles and you’ll laugh at how insignificant they were. Other struggles will truly change you as a person, and break your soul in half. The only upside of feeling broken is that you can rebuild from the ashes, when the time is right.   

7) Decide how much money you need to be happy. 

This number is different for everybody. Decide how much you need for bills, for savings, for emergencies, for fun spending money, etc.  There is a delicate balance between having enough money and having enough free time. Lately there has been a culture of “do what you love” and “you can’t take it with you” in the media.  I do agree… to an extent. While I don’t think it’s healthy to kill yourself for a job and miss out on life along the way, I also don’t think it’s wise for everybody to quit their jobs to teach surfing 2 days a week so they can spend their lives “living.” 

Everything has a value

And realize that everything has a value in the workplace. Is the extra 1 hour/day worth it for you if you take the job with no commute, or is the extra $10k the farther job offers what will make you truly happy? This is something that’s different for all of us, but worth considering.  

8) Be choosy about how you spend your fun money. 

I started to realize that I was spending on things that didn’t really make me happy.  For the price of a couple Starbucks coffees a month, I can get a massage and I feel good for the rest of the week.  I can skip one dinner out and get a couple new houseplants and some throw pillows to make my reading space cozier, and then I enjoy it every time I sit there.  I still get Starbucks sometimes, and I love date nights and girls’ nights, but spending is another thing I try to do with purpose, and after evaluating if it’s what makes me my happiest self.

9) Stop living like “tomorrow isn’t promised.”

  This is another one of those issues that is really popular in the media right now.  And it’s not entirely wrong. Tomorrow ISN’T promised. And I absolutely agree that we should make a point to enjoy life.  But, it also doesn’t mean we can spend every moment enjoying life. I was noticing how guilty I would feel when I wasn’t “in the moment,” but it isn’t practical to live like that all the time. 

I don’t stare at my kids thinking of how #blessed I am the whole time either.

I absolutely love spending couple time with Jason, but sometimes we’re both just tired. It’s okay for us to spend some evenings together chatting but on other nights, maybe I want to read and he wants to do something on his computer.  Nobody can spend every evening holding their spouse’s face in their hands and talking about how much they love each other. That’s crazy. The same is true with kids. Sometimes I sit on the floor and read to them and we build with toys.  Once or twice a month I also have nights where I’m just tapped out and I make them a lazy dinner and let them watch a movie while they eat. And I don’t stare at them thinking of how #blessed I am the whole time either. Yes, it’s important to look around at the world and appreciate what we have, but it’s also okay to zone out sometimes.  Nobody can be “on” all the time.

10) Re-evaluate your goals and decide if the cost is worth it. 

I used to think that someday I’d have a 6 pack. But lately I’ve realized that my stomach is where I store my fat, and it’s the last place I lose it.  If I want to get my body fat low enough to have a 6 pack, that means giving up pizza, beer, and pretty much every other indulgence. I don’t eat these foods every day, but I do like to splurge sometimes and I don’t feel like having visible abs would bring as much joy to my life as these occasionally pizza and beer nights do. 

Personally, I think I look better with a little bit of fluff, and I definitely feel better.

Not to mention, I don’t like how the rest of my body looks and feels when my body fat gets low enough to have a flat stomach. Personally, I think I look better with a little bit of fluff, and I definitely feel better. So, I’m eliminating 6 pack abs as one of my goals. Sorry, not sorry.

11) If you think something is wrong, be your own advocate.

I had a surgery last year for endometriosis and while my physical health was much better after, I was still having issues like hot flashes, night sweats, and mood swings that made me feel like I was in the first trimester of pregnancy.  My OB tested me for menopause 3 times and every time he came back and said well, it’s not menopause. At this point I started seeing a chiropractor who also specializes in functional medicine.

Normal estrodiol (a form of estrogen) levels are between 0-160, mine was over 600.

She ran a blood panel and found out that while normal estrodiol (a form of estrogen) levels are between 0-160, mine was over 600. I was so relieved to finally know what was going on, and proud that I fought for myself.  I knew something was wrong and it was frustrating to have spent so much time not feeling like myself. This leads me to my next point…

12) Give natural remedies a shot. 

Let me start by saying I’m very pro-medicine.  I had the surgery to remove endometriosis first, and I have already spent 10 years of my life on medicine to regulate hormones.  I don’t like the physical or mental side effects of hormone supplements and I wanted to try something else. This was all a very long process.  I was getting chiropractic adjustments and taking supplements to help with gut health. I changed to a healthier diet, I eliminated almost all soy, dairy, and food dyes.  I try to eat mostly organic (when it works with my budget…)

I was having horrible mood swings that were affecting my relationship with Jason and I felt like I was always cranky with the kids.

The hot flashes and night sweats got better, but I was still having horrible mood swings that were affecting my relationship with Jason and I felt like I was always cranky with the kids.  At this point, I started seeing an acupuncturist and Chinese herbalist. Going through all of this was difficult emotionally and financially. On one hand, I felt shitty all the time and it sucked. I just wanted to feel better. On the other hand, none of this stuff was covered by insurance.  Just the blood work I did to find out how high my estrodiol was cost us $450 of out pocket. Adjustments, acupuncture, supplements, and herbs added hundreds more. Jason asked me a few times, what makes you think this next thing will work? I am so grateful for his support this past year, and I’m fortunate that we had the means for me to try all of these things while I figured out what worked.  Now I am honestly feeling the best I’ve ever felt in my life. I cringe when I look back at how I used to feel every single day. I honestly can’t believe I lived my life that way. And it’s not that I wake up every day with unicorns and rainbows in my eyes like some kind of Disney princess, but I can handle stress and be reasonable and enjoy life most of the time. And I think that makes life pretty great.