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honest mommy blog

Opinion Pieces

Lessons from Toddlers: Getting What You Want in Life

K Pirate face

“Mommy, tickle me!  No, not my tummy, tickle my back.  Tickle faster!  Now tickle sloooow.”  *Toddler giggles ensue*. Does this sound familiar to anyone?  Do you ever notice how toddlers seem to get everything they want?  I mean, assuming it’s safe, reasonable, and not too costly?

Do you ever notice how toddlers seem to get everything they want?

Now what about this scenario:  “Hey, girlfriend, I’m going out with my friends.  Is that cool?”  “Sure, boyfriend.  I don’t care.  Do whatever you want.”  *Angry seething ensues*. Has anyone also been there?

The second scenario was teenage me.  I expected my then-boyfriend to be a mind-reader and got mad when I didn’t get what I wanted.  This led to a very confused boyfriend.  “You said it was okay?”  (No, I wasn’t a complete psycho and this wasn’t something that happened ALL the time, but it definitely happened occasionally.  I was young, don’t judge me.)

“Mom, stop singing.”

The first scenario is where I strive to be.  Perhaps a little less demanding… But if you look at toddlers, you always know what they want.  Because they ALWAYS tell you.  “Mom, stop singing.”  “I don’t want to take a bath.”  “Sharing makes me sad.”

Saying what you want isn’t always easy.  Especially at first.  It makes me feel needy to utter phrases like “I need attention” or “I’m having a hard time today.”  And no one likes to feel needy.  But what’s worse than worrying about how you potentially look to others is never getting what you want because you don’t speak up.

It makes me feel needy to utter phrases like “I need attention.”

There is definitely a downside to this.  Sometimes you put yourself out there, but the answer is no.  Just like we have to tell our kids no.  Sometimes you may be in the middle of a meltdown, call your significant other at work and tell them you desperately need them (ahem, K’s colic days…  dark times…), and they have a meeting or can’t talk for some other reason.  But even if that happens some of the time, is it better to never ask?  And shoulder every burden alone?

Sometimes you put yourself out there, but the answer is no.

I’m not perfect and I still have not mastered this 100%. But being upfront as often as possible, especially with people I care about, is where I strive to be.  It’s how you get the love you deserve, it’s how you get raises, and people respect a straight-shooter. 

Demanding women are “bitchy” and demanding men are “go-getters.”

It’s especially hard for women to master this because we are expected to be pleasant and agreeable. (I know these old-timey views are changing but they still absolutely affect gender-roles today.). Demanding women are “bitchy” and demanding men are “go-getters.”  But shouldn’t we all strive to be go-getters?  How else are we supposed to get what we want if we don’t go get it?

Daily Life

Honest Motherhood

#honestmotherhood … (well, except the words on the flash cards ?. Jason snapped this pic when I was only kind-of sort-of ready. As much as I want to pretend my tiny genius can read, we are doing the other side of the cards – letters and numbers, not words.) So I’m bouncing one in the carrier and doing flash cards with the other while I try to enjoy a post-hike beer. And I can’t help but think of when I was pregnant with K and Jason and I would say how after she was born we were going to get sitters ALL THE TIME and still go clubbing and go to bars ?.

It’s funny because I still hear first-time moms say this when they’re pregnant (and I don’t want to be that person to correct them because I think everyone needs to come to terms with their new roles as parents on their own.) But the truth is, it’s not that you CAN’T go clubbing when you’re a mom as long as you have a sitter; it’s that MOST of the time, you don’t really want that anymore.

While we do still like to go out for a drink sometimes, we prefer early happy hours where we can also grab dinner or appetizers for the kids (or brunch. Omg whoever invented brunch, I love you.) Not to mention we pretty much have to take up the entire table with 50 toys to occupy the kids long enough to each have one beer. Oh and don’t forget passing the baby back and forth ?. Because whoever is holding the baby pretty much cannot sip their beer. But at the same time, I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. Sprawling out across a high-top table with markers, crayons, flashcards, French fries, and a couple of brewery beers with my amazing family ranks amongst one of the best Saturday nights of all time ?

Daily Life

Feeling really overwhelmed lately

Taking a much needed poke bowl break (and apparently Belles likes her poke with a side of puffs .) Seriously though, I love eating with Belles because it’s one of the few times I feel like I can relax around her (other than when she’s sleeping) because I know the only thing she’s putting in her mouth is food! I remembered that newborns are hard but somehow forgot that having a mobile baby is a full-time job because everything goes in their mouths!
        Yes, she’s adorable and I love spending the day with her but it’s also exhausting following her around making sure she doesn’t find a carpet fiber or a penny or small toy that K left out. No matter how much you vacuum, or how much you baby-proof, they always find something! And even though it isn’t work per se, the fact that you can’t take your eyes off of them can be draining sometimes. And watching the baby every waking moment means EVERY other thing can only be done when baby naps.
      So cleaning, laundry, dishes, dinner prep, shower, relaxing (HA! What’s that?), it all has to be squeezed into a couple hours! And if I recall correctly, this phase lasts oh, about a year  I know in a couple months it will improve (and maybe she’ll only put 50% of the objects she finds in her mouth), but in the mean time it’s tough. I know, I know, cleaning can wait, sheets can be washed a little less frequently, and yes, these moments are fleeting. I just needed to rant a little today. But it’s also Friday so help will be here soon in the form of Daddy . And it’s almost beer-o’clock ? So, #breatheandrelease

 

Daily Life

Parent Teacher Conferences

When did she become such a little grown up?! Carrying her own backpack and drinking out of a cup and asking “why?” about Every. Single. Thing. We had parent-teacher conferences yesterday (I know… and she isn’t even 3 ) and I kind of had an idea about how things would go. I spend every second with K so I thought I knew everything about her development and what she still struggles with.
        I was pleasantly surprised about how well her teacher said she behaves at school (and much better than at home for Mom ?!) She sits in her seat most of the time (but wanders a little at lunch) and rarely throws tantrums. She still cries (fake cries) quite a bit, and much more than her peers (because she’s a little actress…) but less than before. Actually her teacher said yesterday was the first day she made it all day without crying but then when we went to pick her up when the conference was over, she was crying when we got there  Almost made it!
           Her teacher also mentioned several times how “independent” K is, along with words like “spirited”, “strong”, etc. Jason and I always laugh because we know it’s code for “You got one of the hard ones!!”, but we also know strong children become strong adults who can change the world! (At least that’s what we tell ourselves when we’re mad she thinks it’s okay to run 50 feet away from us without so much as a single look back as we chase her screaming her name ?.)
          We still need to work on her recognizing her name in writing but I found out she can count to 29, which surprised me. At home she stops at 13 and says she doesn’t know what comes next! For someone who is so independent about everything else, it’s kind of funny she’s been keeping an extra 16 numbers under wraps when she’s counting in front of us ?.
         Overall I left pretty much beaming. Not about her counting or other milestones – the school is not focused on academics and neither are we at this point, but about the kind words her teacher said about her. She seems to really love K, and “spirited” or not, she loves her spunky personality and her zest for life. It’s a good feeling when other people see what you see in your kids. You feel like you must be doing something right.

 

Daily Life

On Letting Go of My Expectations

What most of our pictures look like these days . I brought the girls to the Queen Mary today for the first time in maybe a year (and first time for Isabelle!) I thought at almost 3, K would be old enough to learn a little bit about the ship and enjoy looking around more than last time. But both girls enjoyed this phone booth more than anything else!

We spent a solid 20 minutes walking around it, looking inside of it, K wanted to open it and know what it was for… It’s hard for me sometimes when the kids don’t enjoy things the way I think they are SUPPOSED to be enjoyed. (Probably because I’m a control freak …) It’s not the money, because the Queen Mary isn’t that expensive and the kids are free. And it’s not an age thing either – I wasn’t expecting them to sit through lectures on the history of the ship or anything.

But it’s SO HARD for me to just let them be and not steer them towards the next thing to look at, or what I think we should be looking at. I’ve always been a rubric person. I like to plan out how I think things should be and stick to that plan. Actually when my plans fall through I am mildly devastated even if it’s not something I really wanted to do in the first place; it’s because that’s what I expected to do. But I did let the girls hang out around the phone booth for as long as they wanted, even though it made my eye twitch a little while I was itching to move on to the next thing .

Kids have a way of holding up a mirror and you see things about yourself you never noticed before, or maybe noticed but didn’t think it was weird or a problem. But I guess going with the flow, especially when it comes to the kids, is something I need to work on.

Daily Life

On finding my inner child

How awesome are trains? K loves them, and all other forms of transportation, but I think at her age she just likes them because they look cool. I can’t wait until she gets older and I can explain to her that trains have been bringing goods across the country for hundreds of years and someone had to lay a lot of these tracks by hand… It’s pretty impressive when you stop and think about it.

Having a toddlers forces you to think differently about the world around you. You find yourself stopping to look at bugs and leaves again, even when your toddler isn’t with you! (Actually I feel kind of guilty when I see a cool bug if K isn’t with me – like I’m cheating on her ?.) You look up at the clouds and notice shapes in them, or even look up in general. When is the last time you looked up before having kids? For me it had been a while. It’s pretty cool having a little sidekick who helps you see the magic in the world again

Daily Life

Isabelle Hip Dysplasia Updates

7 months after our first visit to the orthopaedic doctor, we finally got the (mostly) good news we had been waiting for. Isabelle had another xray this morning and it looks like her hips are close enough to normal that she won’t need any further treatment. They were looking for an angle of 25 degrees, 30 requires more treatment, and her right is at 27 degrees.

She still has mild hip dysplasia, and probably will her whole life, but her hips are both in the sockets so she is not eligible for a cast or brace. The only way to correct the angles would be an extensive surgery followed by a long recovery, and her doctor doesn’t think mild hip dysplasia would cause enough problems to warrant that.

       She will still be able to run and play sports and go about her life normally. The possible long-term implications of mild hip dysplasia might be arthritis in that hip when she is 50 or 60, and IF that happens, they can correct it with surgery then. It did not make sense to do a surgery now on the possibility of “IF”. So, while it wasn’t perfect news, we are happy that her hips are in the sockets and she will live a normal life. We will go back in 4 months for another xray just to check that things are continuing to improve (or not get worse, which is unlikely.) Thanks everyone for all the positive vibes and support during all of this ?