May 11, 2017

It’s discharge day. As we get ready to walk out of this hospital for the last time, I can’t help but reflect back on all the time we have spent here and how grateful I am to close this chapter of our lives and begin the next. This past year has been beyond difficult for us, and words can’t express how grateful I am to be walking out of here with a healthy baby.

“Words can’t express how grateful I am to be walking out of here with a healthy baby.”

I’m going to share about it here, in hopes it will help other people who find themselves in some of the same situations as us, especially because most of the times all we found by googling was negative outcomes. It’s a lengthy and detailed story, and rather emotional.

The Loss

We got pregnant just over a year ago. And we were thrilled. I didn’t rush to make a doctor appointment right away because I figured I had done this before. Around 10 weeks I started bleeding. I went to emergency and they were unable to find a fetal heartbeat. The fetal pole (what becomes the fetus) was only measuring 6 weeks and 3 days, not a 10 week fetus.

Trying on maternity clothes a few days before we found out we would lose the baby

“I was told I would probably lose the baby over the weekend.”

I was told I would probably lose the baby over the weekend, but to come back in a couple days so they could recheck my hormone levels. I went back and my hormone levels went up – slightly. Not enough for a healthy pregnancy, but enough that the doctors wanted to keep monitoring me. So I was left to walk around with this baby inside me with no heartbeat, wondering what I would be doing when I finally lost her.

I went back to emergency 2 more days later. They said maybe the heartbeat hadn’t started because perhaps my dates were off and baby wasn’t old enough yet. The heartbeat typically starts between 5.5 and 6.5 weeks. But this baby was planned, and I knew that wasn’t the case. Nonetheless, they told me again to come back and get checked in a couple days. After 4 or 5 trips to emergency, I finally got in to see my doctor and he confirmed that we would lose the baby. He scheduled my surgery for later that week, about 2 weeks from when we initially found out there was no heartbeat.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about the baby we would never meet.”

Coping With Our Loss

The weeks that followed were the hardest of my life. I couldn’t stop thinking about the baby we would never meet. I felt sad and angry and mad at my body for doing it wrong. I wondered if it was my fault somehow – that second cup of coffee I had that one time? The beer I had before I knew I was pregnant? Not enough folic acid? I wondered if it would ever happen again for us. Everywhere I looked, it seemed like everyone was pregnant.

“Everywhere I looked, it seemed like everyone was pregnant.”

I tried to relax and rent movies that were not about pregnancy but it was unavoidable. Even Hotel Transylvania 2 had a pregnancy in it… And the well-intended comments I got were unbearable. “It’s for the best.” “Katie is too young for a sister anyways.” “At least you already have one baby.” That last one was from a nurse at emergency, when I went to emergency crying for yet another blood test. In addition to the grief, the drop in hormones triggered postpartum anxiety. No one talks about the fact that miscarriage causes the same hormonal drop as a pregnancy (probably because no one talks about miscarriage).

“The well-intended comments I got were unbearable. ‘It’s for the best.’ ‘Katie is too young for a sister anyways.’ ‘At least you already have one baby.'”

The anxiety was crippling. I worried something would happen to Jason, to Katie. I remember texting my brother asking if I could live with him temporarily if anything were to happen to Jason and my parents. I was obsessed with the idea that the world was ending, and just getting a glass of water had me in tears thinking about the fact that we’re polluting so badly, Katie may not have clean water some day. Don’t get me wrong, I still care about how we are treating the planet, but it’s unreasonable to think about nothing else to the point where it interferes with functioning.

“The anxiety was crippling.”

Getting Pregnant Again

Our canned “Oh no, we’re pregnant again!” photo

4 weeks later, we got pregnant again. We were overjoyed, but cautious. It was like there was a dark cloud over the pregnancy that made it hard to be happy. I didn’t take any pictures of my bump, we didn’t discuss names, we pretty much agreed to spend the first trimester acting as if I wasn’t pregnant (minus booze, of course). Pregnancy after miscarriage is another one of those things no one talks about. You want to be happy, but you are so scared to let yourself in case it doesn’t work out again. You wonder if it does work out, will something be wrong with the baby? Because maybe something is wrong with you. After all, there has to be a reason it didn’t work out the first time.

“Pregnancy after miscarriage is another one of those things no one talks about. You want to be happy, but you are so scared to let yourself”

At just over 5 weeks, I started bleeding. I was sure I was losing a baby again. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I went to emergency and they checked my hormones and did an ultrasound. They did not see a fetal pole, but it was early. They said to come back in 2 days. I was reliving my nightmare. 2 days later, still no heartbeat. The doctors told me that my hormones were high enough that we should expect one at this point though. But again, it was still early.

“I was sure I was losing a baby again.”

I did this every couple days, and finally got an ultrasound at an actual ultrasound place at around 6.5 weeks.The technician told me gently that she wasn’t even seeing a fetal pole. I was starting to lose hope. I went into my doctor appointment the next morning for another ultrasound. At almost 7 weeks, and at some point in the past 24 hours, a fetal pole appeared and we could see a little flicker. It was weak, but it was there. My doctor congratulated me, but I could tell he was cautious as well. He also casually noted that the yolk sac was enlarged (what nourishes baby before placenta takes over) and the gestational sac was irregularly shaped (what holds the fluid.) He did not express much concern over this, but also did not put me in as a patient yet so I knew he had concerns. He told me to come back for a follow up ultrasound the following week.

“I read study after study about the fate of babies with low heartbeats, enlarged yolk sacs, and irregular gestational sacs. Individually, they all pointed to miscarriage.”

Our Baby Doesn’t Look Healthy

Naturally, I went home and googled. I read study after study about the fate of babies with low heartbeats, enlarged yolk sacs, and irregular gestational sacs. Individually, they all pointed to miscarriage. How could I have any hope with all 3 of these things going on? And even those that did not end in miscarriage, many resulted in babies with congenital abnormalities, some of which resulted in stillborn or death shortly after delivery. I tried to be positive, but these were not just anecdotes from someone’s blog, they were medical studies (though I read the blogs too and they were equally doom and gloom.)

Isabelle around 9 weeks

I went back to my doctor in a week, and baby still had a heartbeat. It was a little stronger, but the yolk sac and gestational sac looked the same. My dr still did not put me in as a patient and told me to come back again in another week. By week 9, the heartbeat was still there, the gestational sac was starting to round out a little bit, but I started bleeding again. Nevertheless, the doctor put me in as a patient and had me scheduled to start prenatal care the following week. I started to feel a little bit more positive. Then at week 12, I started bleeding again and went back to emergency. All they could tell me was that baby was okay at the time, and send me home. Luckily, this was the last time I bled. And I was on to the 2nd trimester.

Beginning the Second Trimester

Gender Reveal – 20 weeks

We entered the second trimester still cautious. We started talking a little bit about names, my belly was starting to show, and kicks were in full swing. Halfway through, we announced to friends and family that we were pregnant, and we did our gender reveal. Shortly after 21 weeks, I started having contractions. I went to emergency twice that week, they checked baby, checked to make sure my water hadn’t broke, checked the length of my cervix (4.7 cm), and sent me home with anxiety meds. I think they thought I was imagining things.

Early Labor

36 hours later, I was back in emergency with worse contractions. My cervix had shortened to 2.6 cm. This means my contractions were strong enough to be changing my cervix, and essentially beginning the labor process. I was devastated. At 22 weeks, they told me they wouldn’t even do anything to save the baby. They don’t even try until 24 weeks. Again, I felt like I was walking around waiting to lose a baby. The doctors put me on progesterone to remind my body I was still pregnant. And they seemed rather unconcerned. The cut off for a short cervix is 2.5 cm, and I was 2.6.

” My cervix had shortened to 2.6 cm. This means my contractions were strong enough to be changing my cervix.”

I spent more time on google. I felt obsessed. I read story after story about other people who had their cervix shorten around the same gestational age as me. Some went on to carry a full term baby (odds of that were around 60-80%), some delivered early and had healthy babies, some lost their babies, and some delivered and had babies with serious physical and developmental problems. Every week I checked the average NICU stay for the gestational age I was at. If only I could get to 27 weeks and baby would be viable, 32 weeks would be even better, then maybe I could make it to 35…

Finding Out Our Baby Was Breech

Baby Isabelle being born

I stopped the progesterone at 31 weeks, by 33 weeks I was dilated to a 2. They sent me back to emergency to make sure labor hadn’t started, but it hadn’t. This is also when we found out baby was breech, although that was the least of my problems. After a few more bouts of contractions in the past few weeks, and a few more emergency trips, and one very stubborn baby, we made it to 39 weeks for my c section. Our beautiful rainbow baby was born. She came out with the loudest cry I’ve ever heard and was a beautiful shade of pink. It was a very long road, but after spending 50 of the past 54 weeks pregnant, I was beyond ready to be done. While I may reminisce about the feeling of having a baby kicking inside my belly, I am so relieved to be done with my last pregnancy and to have been blessed with 2 beautiful healthy children.

“Our beautiful rainbow baby was born. She came out with the loudest cry I’ve ever heard and was a beautiful shade of pink.”

Conclusion

Me and the girls on discharge day

So today they wheeled me out of here in tears, this time of joy. Past the emergency room I waited in so many times waiting to see if baby was okay, past the pharmacy I sobbed at waiting for them to fill my progesterone and desperately hoping it would help keep her in, out the same exit Jason picked me up at after I had Katie and also after I miscarried. And I get in the car with my 2 beautiful healthy daughters and Jason, who has been my rock through all of this. I am so filled with love right now.